10 Commandments of Good Parenting
You know the checkout line scenario: 3-year-old child wants
this toy, this candy, this something -- and she wants it nooooow!
The crying starts, escalating into a full-blown tantrum.
In his new book, The Ten Basic Principles of Good
Parenting, Laurence Steinberg, PhD, provides guidelines based on the top
social science research -- some 75 years of studies. Follow them, and you can
avert all sorts of child behavior problems, he says.
After all, what is the goal when you're dealing with children?
To show who's boss? To instill fear? Or to help the child develop into a
decent, self-confident human being?
Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance,
self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness, says Steinberg. It also
promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation, and desire to achieve. It helps
protect children from developing anxiety, depression, eating disorders,
anti-social behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse.
"Parenting is one of the most researched areas in the
entire field of social science," says Steinberg, who is a distinguished
professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. The scientific
evidence for the principles he outlines "is very, very consistent," he
tells WebMD.
Too many parents base their actions on gut reaction. But some
parents have better instincts than others, Steinberg says. Children should
never be hit -- not even a slap on a toddler's bottom, he tells WebMD. "If
your young child is headed into danger, into traffic, you can grab him and hold
him, but you should under no circumstances hit him."
Ruby Natale PhD, PsyD, professor of clinical pediatrics at the
University of Miami Medical School, couldn't agree more. She offered a few of
her own insights. "Many people use the same tactics their own parents used,
and a lot of times that meant using really harsh discipline," she tells
WebMD.
A parent's relationship with his or her child will be reflected
in the child's actions -- including child behavior problems, Natale explains.
"If you don't have a good relationship with your child, they're not going
to listen to you. Think how you relate to other adults. If you have a good
relationship with them, you tend to trust them more, listen to their opinions,
and agree with them. If it's someone we just don't like, we will ignore their
opinion."
Steinberg's 10 principles hold true for anyone who deals with
children -- coach, teacher, babysitter, he says.
The Principles of Good Parenting
1. What you do matters. "This is one of the most
important principles," Steinberg tells WebMD. "What you do makes a
difference. Your kids are watching you. Don't just react on the spur of the
moment. Ask yourself, 'What do I want to accomplish, and is this likely to
produce that result?'"
2. You cannot be too loving. "It is simply not
possible to spoil a child with love," he writes. "What we often think
of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child
too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place
of love -- things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material
possessions."
3. Be involved in your child's life. "Being an
involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and
rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to
do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as
physically."
Being involved does not mean doing a child's homework --
or reading it over or correcting it. "Homework is a tool for teachers to
know whether the child is learning or not," Steinberg tells WebMD. "If
you do the homework, you're not letting the teacher know what the child is
learning."
4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child. Keep pace
with your child's development. Your child is growing up. Consider how age is
affecting the child's behavior.
"The same drive for independence that is making your
three-year-old say 'no' all the time is what's motivating him to be toilet
trained," writes Steinberg. "The same intellectual growth spurt that is
making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making
her argumentative at the dinner table."
For example: An eighth grader is easily distracted, irritable.
His grades in school are suffering. He's argumentative. Should parents push him
more, or should they be understanding so his self-esteem doesn't suffer?
"With a 13-year-old, the problem could be a number of
things," Steinberg says. "He may be depressed. He could be getting too
little sleep. Is he staying up too late? It could be he simply needs some help
in structuring time to allow time for studying. He may have a learning problem.
Pushing him to do better is not the answer. The problem needs to be diagnosed
by a professional."
5. Establish and set rules. "If you don't manage
your child's behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how
to manage himself when he is older and you aren't around. Any time of the day
or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is
my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child
has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to
himself."
"But you can't micromanage your child," Steinberg tells
WebMD. "Once they're in middle school, you need let the child do their own
homework, make their own choices, and not intervene."
6. Foster your child's independence. "Setting limits
helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence
helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she's
going to need both."
It is normal for children to push for autonomy, says Steinberg.
"Many parents mistakenly equate their child's independence with
rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is
part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled
by someone else."
7. Be consistent. "If your rules vary from day to
day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently,
your child's misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important
disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your
authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will
challenge it."
Many parents have problems being consistent, Steinberg tells
WebMD. "When parents aren't consistent, children get confused. You have to
force yourself to be more consistent."
8. Avoid harsh discipline. Parents should never hit a
child, under any circumstances. "Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped
are more prone to fighting with other children," he writes. "They are
more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes
with others."
"There is a lot of evidence that spanking causes aggression
in children, which can lead to relationship problems with other kids,"
Steinberg tells WebMD. "There are many other ways to discipline a child,
including 'time out,' which work better and do not involve aggression."
9. Explain your rules and decisions. "Good parents
have expectations they want their child to live up to," he writes.
"Generally, parents overexplain to young children and underexplain to
adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He
doesn't have the priorities, judgment or experience that you have."
An example: A 6-year-old is very active and very smart -- but
blurts out answers in class, doesn't give other kids a chance, and talks too
much in class. His teacher needs to address the child behavior problem. He
needs to talk to the child about it, says Steinberg. "Parents might want to
meet with the teacher and develop a joint strategy. That child needs to learn
to give other children a chance to answer questions."
10. Treat your child with respect. "The best way to
get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully,"
Steinberg writes. "You should give your child the same courtesies you would
give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention
when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can.
Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with
your child is the foundation for her relationships with others."
For example, if your child is a picky eater: "I personally
don't think parents should make a big deal about eating," Steinberg tells
WebMD. "Children develop food preferences. They often go through them in
stages. You don't want turn mealtimes into unpleasant occasions. Just don't
make the mistake of substituting unhealthy foods. If you don't keep junk food
in the house, they won't eat it."
Likewise, the checkout line tantrum can be avoided, says
Natale. "Children respond very well to structure. You can't go shopping
without preparing them for it. Tell them, 'We will be there 45 minutes. Mommy
needs to buy this. Show them the list. If you don't prepare them, they will get
bored, tired, upset by the crowds of people."
"Parents forget to consider the child, to respect the
child," Natale tells WebMD. "You work on your relationships with other
adults, your friendships, your marriage, dating. But what about your
relationship with your child? If you have a good relationship, and you're
really in tune with your child, that's what really matters. Then none of this
will be an issue."
Source : http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/10-commandments-good-parenting
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